Hi. I’m Henry Lien, the author of the fantasy PEASPROUT CHEN, FUTURE LEGEND OF SKATE AND SWORD about a young girl who dreams of becoming a legend of wu liu. Wu liu is a sport I invented that combines figure skating with kung fu. For research, I, in fact, took figure skating and kung fu lessons. It was a horrible experience. My instructors were so mean. Look what they said about me in these evaluations!
Marilyn Tabata, Skating Instructor, Belvedere Ice Arena, Recommendation Regarding Application of Student Henry Lien to Advance to Intermediate Skating I
Student said he signed up for Beginning Figure Skating I through III as research for a children’s fantasy novel. But really, I think he’s doing this because he lost a bet or else he’s setting us up for a slip and fall nuisance lawsuit. Do not enroll him, he’s TROUBLE.
Shifu Jonathan Tong, Tianjing Kung Fu Academy, Evaluation of Student Henry Lien Regarding Advancement to Sparring and Weapons Training
Student Lien enrolled in basic ba gua, xing yi, & traditional wu shu classes. His stated goal of study was research for novel re: girls doing impossible combo of kung fu and ice skating.
Instructor Tabata
The problem with this guy is that he’s 110% oomph, 110% of the time, oomph coming out of his ears. At the first class, he asked, “When are we going to learn jumps? We’ll be learning serpentines of course, won’t we? I’m going to need to be assigned a bigger patch of ice to work on because of my strength.” Down, boy, down. Where’s my squirt bottle?
Shifu Tong
Student Lien arrived at first class in proper Tainjing Academy uniform, but had ordered smallest shirt size possible to show off his physique. Looked like weightlifter who raided ten year old sister’s wardrobe. Student clearly did not realize looking strong is not what kung fu is about.
Instructor Tabata
I know the type. I could tell as soon as I saw how he moved. Probably a natural athlete who spent his childhood on roller skates, but didn’t realize that ice skating is totally different. I could tell that he’d be flat on his rear end within five minutes of stepping on the ice because he was too top heavy. I.e., his head weighed a ton. In fact, he lasted less than two minutes before splat! Right in front of all the eight-year old girls in the class.
Shifu Tong
Student Lien was hardest-working student in class. First to arrive, last to leave. Drenched in sweat by end of class. Didn’t understand that’s a sign of not working efficiently.
Instructor Tabata
He tries soooo hard. After I taught the class how to do a basic snowplough stop to skid to a halt with both feet, he immediately asked when we would learn how to do a hockey stop. Because it looked cooler. And how to do it one-footed. And when we would learn to skate backwards. The girls in the class started to leave a 15-foot radius around him so they wouldn’t be taken down when he falls. Again.
Shifu Tong
Paired Student Lien with Student Gao. Student Lien seemed displeased to be paired with a young woman much smaller than him. Seemed even more displeased as Student Gao executed every jumping kick effortlessly, while Student Lien over-rotated every attempt because he was kicking too hard. Looked like he was trying to kick his shoe and sock off.
Instructor Tabata
I heard the crash but didn’t see it. I turned and saw him flat on his back. I asked him what happened. He said he tried to do a jump. A jump. When he couldn’t even reliably snowplough stop.
Shifu Tong
Mid-way through term, Student Lien started one class by forcing himself into splits during warmup. Should have stopped him. Then, on simple jump outside crescent kick, he came windmilling down, tumbling over.
Instructor Tabata
I decided to take him off the ice for the rest of the class before he decapitated one of the girls. He still didn’t have a clue that skating wasn’t about just strength and willpower.
Shifu Tong
Benched him for remainder of class. By end, his entire upper leg had started to turn purple. Clearly torn hamstring.
Instructor Tabata
He still hadn’t learned what all the rest of the students naturally knew. Skating was about balance and flexibility.
Shifu Tong
Student Lien hadn’t learned what Student Gao already knew. Kung fu was about balance and flexibility.
Instructor Tabata
After planking on his back on the ice, and tearing his hamstring, which didn’t happen on my watch, he seemed to chill out a bit for the rest of Beginning III and he only did stuff they learned in Beginning I.
Shifu Tong
Student Lien continued to attend every class even though he could only observe while torn hamstring healed. Offered to refund him portion of tuition for classes he couldn’t participate in but he refused.
Instructor Tabata
At the end of Beginning III, I selected the girls who qualified to advance to Intermediate I. He wasn’t selected but applied to enroll anyway. So I looked him up. HE’S A LAWYER.
Shifu Tong
Student Lien explained again that his book was about children striving to master a fictitious form of kung fu figure skating. Said this novel was very important to him. Said he needed to continue studying kung fu as research because he wanted to write something to inspire kids, especially young girls, to persevere. Said he would suffer any injury or embarrassment necessary to achieve that.
Instructor Tabata
So needless to say, I recommend that we deny this guy’s application to advance to Intermediate I. Unless we really feel like Belvedere’s slip and fall insurance policy isn’t getting used enough.
Shifu Tong
Student Lien applied to advance to sparring and weapons training classes. Recommend that his application be denied. His experiences pairing with Student Gao should have taught him that kung fu is not only for the strong.
Kung fu rewards flexibility and balance, which children, especially young girls, naturally have. His failure in class should not only teach him where he is weak, but where they are strong. If his goal is to learn how to inspire the young, he has already achieved his goal. All he needs now is to realize it.
Can you believe they said these things about me? I think this is so unfair and I hope you can use this as inspiration to persevere even when jealous people say evil things about you. Because I believe in you.
Love,
Henry